In trying to understand a relation….

It is very easy to propagate or advocate. But are all things that are advocated real? I know you have a reason for everything—a reason to love, a reason to share your moments, a reason to give excuses and a reason to hate. But what’s beyond that?

It is very nice when you say, “I am tied up…” but there is always a way when there is a will. It is very easy to make an excuse and say live a life for others. But not everyone can be great. You quoted, Do you know ‘Grahambell, the scientist who invented the phone never called his family.’

Graham had good reasons in doing so. How will he call…. His wife and daughter were deaf. But not everyone can be as wise as Grahambell’s wife, and what if the person is someone more than the family?

It’s always true no one can be so dear to you until and unless you love. For any relation to exist, love is the binding factor—no matter lust also accompanies. It is unintelligible to me, what bind us? Is it love …. Is it lust…. or a “nihilism”.

Life is very short to fulfill all your obligations. But, what makes a life, if you cannot sacrifice a few seconds for someone who really needs you. I never said be with me forever… neither did I say come to my life and bless me with your caring. Never did I ask fill my life with laughter. It happened. Everything was predestined and all was as you desired.

I don’t know what relation exists? You make me miss you, you make me smile; you make me cry and above all you make me expect your presence. I lack understanding…. Do you feel the same the way I do?

It is easy to say…. but is it not so easy to care and love someone really. I don’t know. It pains when you are hurt.

I wonder, do I belong to someone. Does a relation really exist?

I try to understand…. and so I go on searching a meaning….

Celebrating… with loneliness…

Everywhere you see there is nothing but ….vacuum… Long back the thought of “belongingness” have withered. You should know you are born to be alone, celebrate alone and die alone. Perhaps that is the ultimate truth of life, “You belong to everyone but you belong to no one.”

So, hail and celebrate… loneliness will never leave your company and you have your faithful mobile and the Internet to follow. What if they don’t have life or they cannot feel... They understand how needy you are. May be that is why the phone lets every known or unknown calls to reach you, blinks when you miss and informs about all those flirty messages that speaks a lot but never means. So does your computer; you can scold it, express your feelings and write whatever you like. It will never leave you unless you leave.

As always, by now you should understand you are not to expect because you are no way their own, ’cos if not of heart, you need to be of blood. Life has different priorities and so, is the scarcity of time. You are destined to be neglected, because life has lot to do other than continuing a relation of no reasons. Before landing up in the “illusion of love”, think again—do you mean anything to the one you love? Do you deserve to be loved and so on.

An impossible dream! How can you expect to celebrate with someone for whom you mean nothing? How can you say it is love that binds us, whereas there is nothing but lust alone…

Yeah, it is loneliness that will never deceive you. Even if you beg, it will not leave you. Learn to rejoice your loneliness. Live every moment, share and give it your best! You can be sure it will never leave your company—be it your birthday or your death.

Accept the reality—and be grateful that even if God has not given you anything he has given you one precious thing—loneliness.

I wish there is a “delete” button in the Brain

Life is full of understandings and misunderstandings. It is not easy to extract the truth in it unless you have the capability to judge yourself and understand what makes your life so miserable.

You need to develop the quality to forget and forgive. But forgetting is not that easy. There is no delete button in your brain like that in the computer. You cannot just empty the thrash folder and delete all the unwanted files from the memory with a single click. You cannot be self-deceptive even, and become indifferent to everything that comes to your way.

However life is by itself a question….. memory looms… you reminisce and add few more reasons to cry to the long list of causes that already exist in your whole being. You don’t know what troubles you…. What makes you laugh…… or what makes you cry.

Expectations grow to infinity…a contradictory opinion between pragmatist and idealist leaves you in utter confusion and you move on.

Is it wrong to dream? If not, then why do you care when an enigmatic dream is broken? So goes the whole search for truth. You cannot forget, you cannot forgive and you cannot accept also.
The agony of losing someone excruciates you and leaves you with another thought again.

The untold story inside you torments and you are left with no courage to begin…Then? Why did you start such a story? What made you run after illusions? If you are prohibited to dream, you should not. If you are not meant to love you should not. And, of course, it is insensible to confess to someone who is self-deceptive himself/herself.
I know, Maya Angelou quoted once, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Still I would say there is no harm in bearing a secret than speaking out to someone who is self-deceptive and selfish, someone who calls himself realistic but dares to face reality…

It is true, even if you know everything you cannot, ‘cos , what matters you is love. You cannot run away from the past, from your memories and your feelings. Because forgetting is the best way to remember, you tend to remember, especially those moments and things that you most need to forget.

May be that is what makes me think, “I wish I had a delete button in my brain!”

I have no answer....

You matter me a lot. Everything I do now is not a question of me alone, but something related to both of us….that is how your commitment changes the way you think. Things are no longer as before.
You have started to think about your life from different dimensions. Every time you start planning something you eagerly wait for your partner’s opinion. That is how the change starts. A kind of unknown change ….
“I don’t want to interfere in any of your decisions and neither do I want you to interfere in my independence” , he repeats often. I doubt do these interpersonal discussions mean restricting one’s freedom?
I have no answer… But the loopholes make me think. Does our relationship have a base? Aren’t we committed to walk together? A lot more things creep in to the mind.
Many a times I get puzzled and ask myself –are we trying to compromise? Where is our understanding lacking? Are we trying to keep alive our relationship on certain unknown conditions? Even for this I have no answer.

So the relation goes.... without knowing do we really mean so much to each other. I analyze to find out, does loving someone means sacrificing your freedom? I don’t have an answer for this even, but I go on searching and searching the ifs and buts that make me feel so.

Another chapter

Throughout your life you get so many appreciations and so many comments. Some appreciations and some criticisms…. But do you ever expect you to be called a maniac???
Perhaps that is something you would never expect anyone to call you—that too if they call you a love maniac. Somehow I realize things happen when they are never expected. You never know what others think about you. You cannot realize what can bet the implications and neither you can assume, what perceptions people have regarding you….but hope makes you optimistic.
You are referred as a maniac—a complete love maniac who lingers from one destination to another. I wonder is this what I am searching for. Am I not satisfied with what I have? I don’t know…...and neither do I try to justify myself.
Life goes on with newer chapters added to it. But whatever anyone may refer to…. I know what makes me survive, I know what makes me live and what I realize.
I wonder who is not a maniac. Is the one who has not yet been loved is maniac or is the person who is loved by everyone is a maniac, or someone who is the victim of illusion every time can be called a maniac? I fail to know the truth or solve the riddle.
Let me clarify—you don’t need many reasons to live. You may not necessarily decline all love you get just because you fear people might misjudge you, but one thing for sure self-realization can make you live. Whatever way people may address you or whatever be the reason of your lingering, you know what you are. Your knowledge about you and your inner wisdom will make you strong and help you find a reason to live.
It does not matter what people think about you. What matters you is that you should always have a reason in doing whatever you do. When you stop finding meaning in the activities you do, that is the moment you become a maniac. It is not how many chapters are added to your life will make you to reach a level of self-realization, instead every reason and meaning that you find in the relationships will make you live a life.
How does it matter whether someone calls you a maniac or not? You are sure to find something beyond that in every new page that is added to your life.

Late night calls… fragmented discussions and… our desires

Thoreau said, “Most of the luxuries and many of the so-called comforts of life are not only not indispensable, but positive hindrances to the elevation of mankind.”
Sometimes I feel the Gen X is moving towards those luxuries which are positive hindrances towards the development of mankind. We are more inclined towards materialistic things—we love power, money and glamour.

Are we running after mirages? We have never-before technology, the young now earns enough money and are exposed to a variety of wonderful activities which were unknown to the earlier generations. But are they actually enjoying what they are having? Are they happy with what they have?

May be in our journey in search of peace we have moved much away from reality. We live in an illusory world not knowing our identity at all. While trying to unravel the mystery we end up by chasing impossible dreams that lacks the slightest tinge of reality.

We repeat the same mistakes again and again only to feel sorry for what we have done. And often mistakes become a habit only realize that habits have started to rule us. We go on with simple pranks not recognizing the potential problems and emotional setbacks we are going to face because of our habits.

We are unaware of the impacts. We still go on doing certain things. We love freaking out…late night parties and enjoy the long phone calls that break through the darkness of the wild nights. Slowly we get accustomed to those habits. But does this late night gossips have any significance in our lives?

We know not but we go on and on…..And a day comes when emotion intrudes and before we could recognize we are in a new dilemma. None of us know whether love starts that way or those are only loose talks to make us get rid of “loneliness” of which we are so scared of. I fear none of us know what this long late night calls actually signify. But we long for each other, we continue and we never ask each other why we like doing so.

Do we suffer from a misunderstanding that it is emotions that bind us? We hardly try to understand. We carry on several sleepless nights….just to find sleep has left the scene….and we have traveled miles towards an unidentified destination….that the gap has declined and our loose talks are no more confined.

The gossips exceeded with new things behind. Everything comes crafted with desire, embellished and enhanced…. Is it desire then or just a habit? But the talks goes on and another sleepless night.

I wonder do we try to hide something under the veil of friendship.

Is red the colour of love ?

Sometimes little things in life make us smile… It need not necessarily be a big-budgeted party or a big achievement.

Life moves on in its own way. We don’t know about our destination. We go on exploring and widening horizons. We get thrilled thinking about the long walks, late- night calls… blank pauses and apologetic notes like “No dear the button got pressed again unknowingly. Yours was the last call I made”.

Often little one-liners come— “I just felt like disturbing you”. Don’t know we continue with the same pretensions. Do we dare to accept that “we miss each other” when away? It is ambiguous…another question with no answers.

What else. Another new way of showing affection—a red rose or a bouquet of mixed colours…. or something new.

There is a small “token” for you…. something that can rejuvenate you. I wonder what this “red” symbolize…..a blood red purse and a red hot perfume. Is it an embodiment of love or is it another side of “sacrifice”?

It makes me think but confusion prevails. Another sleepless night, another area to contemplate and some more mysteries to unravel…. But what does red means. I ponder, “Is red the colour of love?”

An untold story ….the confessions….

It is said, expectations never end—a never ending journey. It goes on. May be this time it can be something more than what actually you would like to possess.

Everything is crystal clear but still you desire only to realise that you have reached no where near to the realm of happiness. You know the person you desire have no soft corner, because if love is not in the heart than love cannot be in the airs.

Life is just crazy—you don’t know where next— whatever comes to you brings along lot of sufferings and joy. I feel very restless. A whole lot of things haunt my mind. Is it so difficult to forgive someone? Why is it becoming difficult for me to digest what he confessed?

I wonder, whether I am doing the right thing! We all live in a self created exile hiding our faces under a veil, slowly closing the eyes just like the cat that closes his eyes while stealing milk, pretending as if no one in the world has seen him.
Sometimes I am in a dilemma, are we actually living or pretending to live?? What made him confess was neither love for me nor respect. May be he wanted to lighten the heart by speaking out to someone….or may be anyone.

Is it guilt or something else that made him confess, I am unsure. But what he said made me look at relationships from a completely different dimension. Where lies the essence of relationship, which he had with that “girl”? Was it love, lust or a mere habit of fulfilling the “needs”? Again and again I think, first time it was a mistake but can we call it a “mistake” if done intentionally again and again?
Which phase of love is it? If it is love than how can be society and obligations overrule it and if it is a mere question of “satisfying the lust” why with someone whom you give the name of “love”!
Was it infatuation then? You liked to spend time, you shared feelings, you loved …..and enjoyed that ecstatic moments of being in delectation. Now you completely refute there was anything called love, but that was only a no-obligation, mutually compromising agreement. So, is love an agreement then? Once your needs are fulfilled you impose all the blame upon the other person, majestically denying the fact that anyone can see what reality is?

Still unsure, can a relationship exist only on “terms and conditions” with no love to hold them together. Does it actually deserve to be called a relationship at all? The debate goes on….. A never ending quest…..

A foot massage… a glass of fresh lime in the BUZZ ….and an evening’s confession

Still unsure.. shall I call it a date or something else? Was there an agenda for meeting or mere selfish pleasure of being in the company?

I never realized, loving someone can be so amazing, especially when you know you are no one to the person you love.
I know my first statement itself is contradictory. But things are not as it seem to be….

No plans. Shall we go for a cup of coffee? May be to “Barista” or in the nearest “Costa”…. Everything is so uncertain. No guesses, no decision and no destination. An aimless journey and untiring waiting…..

And once you are on the tryst, something even more marvelous waits for you. So what could be your first date like, that too with someone who has never loved you or neither have a desire to love. I can understand you must be puzzled again—
How could I call it a date?
Yeah of course—it was a wonderful experience— a splendid foot massage—some serene moments in the dimmed corner of “BUZZ” and two exploring eyes in search of “ultimate truth”.
I wonder, does “utopia” really exist! Let’s not assume or neither manipulate. What appears may not be reality —but if anything you can call a “heaven on earth” was last night’s “date”. It was as pleasant as living in a dream—soft touches under the spell of mesmerizing musical notes…. What more? A 30 minutes foot massage—away from the humdrum is all you are destined to.
For a second I felt let’s hold this moment….The slow circular movements of her tiny hands, and the cool surroundings—dimly lit antique-looking room— as if you are in an utopian world. What mattered more was the “time” which I never wanted to lose. With every passing second I could feel time is too short and the next moment I look back I will no longer find him beside me. May be it was a strong desire or a longing-ness to be close to someone you love (again let me remind someone who does not love you). Was it just a moment’s pleasure or a strong wish to be one with my feelings I don’t know. Wonder is this love that was in the airs?

You know it was a date….. (Let me specify, a date with some one who does not love you). What next? Let’s go to “BUZZ”. I was hesitant but somewhere deep down inside my heart my conscience said “I have dedicated the evening in your name”. Spellbound I moved on— I felt there odd man out…. Sipping fresh lime I sat beside—don’t know what would have been my best behaviour at that moment. May be my company itself meant a lot or may be I could have joined for the beer for a last cheer. It was a matter of being with someone dear—no matter it was a bar or in the war.

Time moved in its winged chariot—but I remained where I was— only to realize that someone is becoming indispensable for me (I told early it is my first date with someone who does not love me)… So, which is the next destination?

It was already 10 PM, we had to rush back. Thoughts creeped in, the car moved on swiftly exploring the realms of darkness….. a long way to go….. and you don’t know where you are heading towards!

(I moved on with a promise not to look back again….. only to realize I am no more where I was…. The vacuum existed… and I carried along the obligation of an evening’s confession……)