Am I to be pardoned

You don’t have craze for a particular thing … that is how you justify.
But you go on repeating the same activity… that is what he questioned.
Can we call it an accident? You are not supposed to call it an accident because accidents happen only when you face it suddenly. When the atmosphere is made relevant for an accident to occur, then it is no more an accident. It is a deliberate action—which your subconscious or conscious mind always has a desire to seek. May be that is why you repeat the same mistakes again and again.
Whether repeated mistakes are to be pardoned that is again a big question. I doubt, whether I would have tolerated or not for the wrong doings the other person! It would have been very difficult for me to tolerate if the situation had to be vice versa.
I have no reply. I could not justify myself… I go on asking, why I am so unsatisfied? What am I searching for? Why do I bring trouble to myself despite knowing that I should avoid them? A lot many things creep in to my mind. I know I don’t deserve to be pardoned. How can I be so selfish that I go on hurting the person I love so much.
It is utterly selfishness and now I feel sorry… I could not recognize the true love; I went on hurting again and again—may be because I knew I will be forgiven. I doubt myself, if he is the world for me then why have we gone away.
Which is more important—the social rules or our staying away?
When the realization came it is too late. I have no words to express my repentance. I know I am spending my days like a living dead. But still I hesitate to take a step ahead or say let’s reconcile. And start a new life.
I wonder do I deserve to be forgiven. Things are no more the same. How liberal one can be. Was not his sacrifice more than what a normal person can do? How can I repay his sacrifice…Am I to be pardoned?

Do I mean anything to you?

It is long since I heard your voice…. No calls, no text and nothing. The ratio does not match. How can you compare the sixty messages a day to a single six letter word?
Multiple questions creep in to my mind. And so goes on my impatience and depression ….
I ask, “Am I related anyways to him?” What is the difference between “own” and “me”? I know someone would comment that this is an insensible question but behavior matters.
Adopting hypocrisy can be a onetime game. It will help neither of us. I wonder how can you cheat yourself? I know responsibilities count, but what about your responsibilities to someone whom you say ‘so close to your heart’?
Another dilemma and I go on thinking…. a never ending query. Every time I come to a conclusion I began to feel I have no place….neither in his heart nor in his mind. What becomes so important is the “loneliness” that needs to be fought. You need someone to hear your bewildered thoughts…you want someone to accompany you when you are upset… you need someone to feel that you are not alone. So, everything is a question of searching for a substitute before your thoughts rules you.
How will you cope with the “extreme vacuum” your past attachments have created? I feel you are scared to be alone. May be or may not… that is again very uncertain.
Life evolves but thoughts never change. You go on clinging… resting on shoulders—one after another. Have you ever thought why you never count me among “own”? Why you never remember me when in a crowd? A lot more queries and a never replied answer….. Another new story and some more excuses…artificial outrage of being caught for the intentions and lot more…
So goes our relation…. we fight…we lament… we accuse… we insult…. we curse and go on hurting each others sentiments. We promise never to talk and never to meet but we know how to excuse each other. With everything there hang “ifs” and “buts” of which we have no clue.
What makes me restless is–Do I really mean anything to him?
The questions looms.

Another chapter

Throughout your life you get so many appreciations and so many comments. Some appreciations and some criticisms…. But do you ever expect you to be called a maniac???
Perhaps that is something you would never expect anyone to call you—that too if they call you a love maniac. Somehow I realize things happen when they are never expected. You never know what others think about you. You cannot realize what can bet the implications and neither you can assume, what perceptions people have regarding you….but hope makes you optimistic.
You are referred as a maniac—a complete love maniac who lingers from one destination to another. I wonder is this what I am searching for. Am I not satisfied with what I have? I don’t know…...and neither do I try to justify myself.
Life goes on with newer chapters added to it. But whatever anyone may refer to…. I know what makes me survive, I know what makes me live and what I realize.
I wonder who is not a maniac. Is the one who has not yet been loved is maniac or is the person who is loved by everyone is a maniac, or someone who is the victim of illusion every time can be called a maniac? I fail to know the truth or solve the riddle.
Let me clarify—you don’t need many reasons to live. You may not necessarily decline all love you get just because you fear people might misjudge you, but one thing for sure self-realization can make you live. Whatever way people may address you or whatever be the reason of your lingering, you know what you are. Your knowledge about you and your inner wisdom will make you strong and help you find a reason to live.
It does not matter what people think about you. What matters you is that you should always have a reason in doing whatever you do. When you stop finding meaning in the activities you do, that is the moment you become a maniac. It is not how many chapters are added to your life will make you to reach a level of self-realization, instead every reason and meaning that you find in the relationships will make you live a life.
How does it matter whether someone calls you a maniac or not? You are sure to find something beyond that in every new page that is added to your life.

You owe me a cup of coffee……shall I come to your place

"A Relation Is Like a Bird,
If you Catch Tightly It Dies,
If you Catch It Loosely It Flies,
But If You Catch Affectionately, It Remains With you forever. …”

This is what he refers as the “mantra” of any relationship. Once again in a dilemma … Do a relation exist between us? If yes than is it affection that what bind us???

How long do you want to continue it? I often try to enquire. It is a big mystery I try to unravel— only to find out that we have no answers.

Our unlimited talk goes on and on. I don’t know whether the expectations are increasing or decreasing. I have no idea what exactly I am searching for; neither do I have a well-defined vision of what we can call the association to be.

But someone is becoming more close to my heart.

We share our feelings, we talk, we express and speak out our heart and so goes on our days….. But do we actually like to be with each other? Do we really enjoy talking? If not, what it is?

We plan for long walks, may be an evening in the corner of a coffee house or probably a long drive enjoying the silence of the long curly roads leading to unknown lands. And of course we long for those sensational seconds in each others arms forgetting the whole world around.

Often we desire let not the time go away….let’s cherish. Every time a strong desire creeps in to the mind…. I know it cannot be love…. If not love then why?

He says, “You owe me a cup of coffee. Shall I come to your place?”. I don’t know, what we aspire. I ask myself, do I really owe a cup of coffee? Or are we trying to hide our desire in the smokey swirls of the “hot coffee” Or is it something more than a heart’s desire??

Lemme try…….and be true to my self… if not to the mind but to the heart.. Let me say I don’t know what desires are, neither I know what lies beyond desire. But when you are near (may be for a coffee or whatever), I feel peace is near with all love in the air.
Now I know where happiness lies and what I owe to you—a cappuccino or a cold coffee blended with…..

An untold story ….the confessions….

It is said, expectations never end—a never ending journey. It goes on. May be this time it can be something more than what actually you would like to possess.

Everything is crystal clear but still you desire only to realise that you have reached no where near to the realm of happiness. You know the person you desire have no soft corner, because if love is not in the heart than love cannot be in the airs.

Life is just crazy—you don’t know where next— whatever comes to you brings along lot of sufferings and joy. I feel very restless. A whole lot of things haunt my mind. Is it so difficult to forgive someone? Why is it becoming difficult for me to digest what he confessed?

I wonder, whether I am doing the right thing! We all live in a self created exile hiding our faces under a veil, slowly closing the eyes just like the cat that closes his eyes while stealing milk, pretending as if no one in the world has seen him.
Sometimes I am in a dilemma, are we actually living or pretending to live?? What made him confess was neither love for me nor respect. May be he wanted to lighten the heart by speaking out to someone….or may be anyone.

Is it guilt or something else that made him confess, I am unsure. But what he said made me look at relationships from a completely different dimension. Where lies the essence of relationship, which he had with that “girl”? Was it love, lust or a mere habit of fulfilling the “needs”? Again and again I think, first time it was a mistake but can we call it a “mistake” if done intentionally again and again?
Which phase of love is it? If it is love than how can be society and obligations overrule it and if it is a mere question of “satisfying the lust” why with someone whom you give the name of “love”!
Was it infatuation then? You liked to spend time, you shared feelings, you loved …..and enjoyed that ecstatic moments of being in delectation. Now you completely refute there was anything called love, but that was only a no-obligation, mutually compromising agreement. So, is love an agreement then? Once your needs are fulfilled you impose all the blame upon the other person, majestically denying the fact that anyone can see what reality is?

Still unsure, can a relationship exist only on “terms and conditions” with no love to hold them together. Does it actually deserve to be called a relationship at all? The debate goes on….. A never ending quest…..