Why man repeats the same mistakes

Paulo Coelho quoted, “Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.”
After long waiting, the day has finally arrived. Some accuses, some aspirations and may be a secret desire also accompanied the arrival. We went on closer and closer, though the relation undefined, and ended up in an alien domain from where the route back home was not to be seen.
I am unable to find out why man repeats the same mistakes again and again! Was it a very well designed, well-planned activity? I doubt….for practical people have a reason for doing everything. Often struggle with myself, was it my desire too?
No one knows whenever I ask “why”. He throws back the same question on me and says if I ask you the same question? If I ask you to define our relation and many more questions, he thinks that I too will never have an answer.
He came and went only to leave footprints on my heart…… to make me realize that I am no more the same as I was before his arrival. He made me feel that I have made the same mistake again.
How could I trust someone? What I always think to be love may not necessarily mean to be love but a strong lust…. a never fulfilled desire or may be a challenge. Or it may be just a give and take for what I owe or may be an attempt to shatter my pride.
I feel I am no where-- the defeat left me shattered! I end up in the most awkward predicament. I don’t have a reply to what my people inquires, “Why people repeat the same mistakes again and again?”

Do I mean anything to you?

It is long since I heard your voice…. No calls, no text and nothing. The ratio does not match. How can you compare the sixty messages a day to a single six letter word?
Multiple questions creep in to my mind. And so goes on my impatience and depression ….
I ask, “Am I related anyways to him?” What is the difference between “own” and “me”? I know someone would comment that this is an insensible question but behavior matters.
Adopting hypocrisy can be a onetime game. It will help neither of us. I wonder how can you cheat yourself? I know responsibilities count, but what about your responsibilities to someone whom you say ‘so close to your heart’?
Another dilemma and I go on thinking…. a never ending query. Every time I come to a conclusion I began to feel I have no place….neither in his heart nor in his mind. What becomes so important is the “loneliness” that needs to be fought. You need someone to hear your bewildered thoughts…you want someone to accompany you when you are upset… you need someone to feel that you are not alone. So, everything is a question of searching for a substitute before your thoughts rules you.
How will you cope with the “extreme vacuum” your past attachments have created? I feel you are scared to be alone. May be or may not… that is again very uncertain.
Life evolves but thoughts never change. You go on clinging… resting on shoulders—one after another. Have you ever thought why you never count me among “own”? Why you never remember me when in a crowd? A lot more queries and a never replied answer….. Another new story and some more excuses…artificial outrage of being caught for the intentions and lot more…
So goes our relation…. we fight…we lament… we accuse… we insult…. we curse and go on hurting each others sentiments. We promise never to talk and never to meet but we know how to excuse each other. With everything there hang “ifs” and “buts” of which we have no clue.
What makes me restless is–Do I really mean anything to him?
The questions looms.

I have no answer....

You matter me a lot. Everything I do now is not a question of me alone, but something related to both of us….that is how your commitment changes the way you think. Things are no longer as before.
You have started to think about your life from different dimensions. Every time you start planning something you eagerly wait for your partner’s opinion. That is how the change starts. A kind of unknown change ….
“I don’t want to interfere in any of your decisions and neither do I want you to interfere in my independence” , he repeats often. I doubt do these interpersonal discussions mean restricting one’s freedom?
I have no answer… But the loopholes make me think. Does our relationship have a base? Aren’t we committed to walk together? A lot more things creep in to the mind.
Many a times I get puzzled and ask myself –are we trying to compromise? Where is our understanding lacking? Are we trying to keep alive our relationship on certain unknown conditions? Even for this I have no answer.

So the relation goes.... without knowing do we really mean so much to each other. I analyze to find out, does loving someone means sacrificing your freedom? I don’t have an answer for this even, but I go on searching and searching the ifs and buts that make me feel so.

A 48-hours deadline

Ever imagine how would life be without your dear ones near! I know it is never so easy. But love can make you succeed in whatever endeavor you take. It is for the sake of it you live and it is for the sake of it you learn to live. Even dying becomes a pleasure when you are on the lap of your dear ones.

It was never so easy to succeed in a 48-hours deadline when every minute seems like long unending years. The moment my phone tinkle my eyes glitter—may be expecting a remembrance note from someone who is close to your heart.

I know even if the whole world might have forgotten you there is someone still to remember you. The feeling itself enthuse you—and makes you great that you mean so much to someone.

You may not call, reply the SMS es or meet very often—as all the material things of communicating hardly matters. The best thing is that you are never away even if you are very far away—for people who are in the mind is never away and to show that you are remembered always does not need to be proved—it is all about following and obeying what your loved one wants.

A 48-hours gap has a lot more to say..little more to know each other... or may be little more closer..It has given us something that made us realize that life has brought us lot more and something even much dearer which we always ignored. I am afraid do we pretend to be true to the self—if not how can we deny that we mean a lot to each other.

I don't find an answer to what you really want to examine? Quite confusing but it is always true, I could not have met the deadline if love would not have been the reason.

I am lost in the wilds

It was a foggy morning. The wild pine-tops veiled with silvery lines appeared as if heaven has fallen upon them.

And there was lot more...a warm embrace....and a pair of curious eyes following you every moment. With all the comfort of the world I felt as if the world is revolving in a lightening pace towards an unknown destination. I wonder is there another paradise? In utter ecstasy tears rolled out and I was lost forever in the wilds.

From then onwards we started a long unplanned voyage crossing over hills and dales, terrains, lakes and rivers, and swift moving brooks.... Now what next? Are we running after a mirage or trying to find out the reality lost in the hands of destiny?

I have no answer. However, expectations overrule practicality and we go on despite knowing there is no visibility in the relation. Every moment we spend together we start expecting more.

Why not another day? Hope looms and we subconsciously desire let's not end it here. We go on...trapped in another dilemma. Where are we heading to, we are unaware but every moment we can feel life without each other is just like a boat lost in the high tides of the Pacific.
I wonder, do we need to wait for the time to define our state? None of us have an answer to any of the whys. So many things again haunts me – what is in between us and beyond us?

Every time I ask myself do I need to carry forward this relation? The answers are yet to be found. I question myself are we heading towards the same destination? What if the directions change in the midway?

Life goes on with some unknown fear of being lost in a wild odyssey. Still unsure does there a destination exist or the whole voyage is lost in the wilds?

Late night calls… fragmented discussions and… our desires

Thoreau said, “Most of the luxuries and many of the so-called comforts of life are not only not indispensable, but positive hindrances to the elevation of mankind.”
Sometimes I feel the Gen X is moving towards those luxuries which are positive hindrances towards the development of mankind. We are more inclined towards materialistic things—we love power, money and glamour.

Are we running after mirages? We have never-before technology, the young now earns enough money and are exposed to a variety of wonderful activities which were unknown to the earlier generations. But are they actually enjoying what they are having? Are they happy with what they have?

May be in our journey in search of peace we have moved much away from reality. We live in an illusory world not knowing our identity at all. While trying to unravel the mystery we end up by chasing impossible dreams that lacks the slightest tinge of reality.

We repeat the same mistakes again and again only to feel sorry for what we have done. And often mistakes become a habit only realize that habits have started to rule us. We go on with simple pranks not recognizing the potential problems and emotional setbacks we are going to face because of our habits.

We are unaware of the impacts. We still go on doing certain things. We love freaking out…late night parties and enjoy the long phone calls that break through the darkness of the wild nights. Slowly we get accustomed to those habits. But does this late night gossips have any significance in our lives?

We know not but we go on and on…..And a day comes when emotion intrudes and before we could recognize we are in a new dilemma. None of us know whether love starts that way or those are only loose talks to make us get rid of “loneliness” of which we are so scared of. I fear none of us know what this long late night calls actually signify. But we long for each other, we continue and we never ask each other why we like doing so.

Do we suffer from a misunderstanding that it is emotions that bind us? We hardly try to understand. We carry on several sleepless nights….just to find sleep has left the scene….and we have traveled miles towards an unidentified destination….that the gap has declined and our loose talks are no more confined.

The gossips exceeded with new things behind. Everything comes crafted with desire, embellished and enhanced…. Is it desire then or just a habit? But the talks goes on and another sleepless night.

I wonder do we try to hide something under the veil of friendship.

You owe me a cup of coffee……shall I come to your place

"A Relation Is Like a Bird,
If you Catch Tightly It Dies,
If you Catch It Loosely It Flies,
But If You Catch Affectionately, It Remains With you forever. …”

This is what he refers as the “mantra” of any relationship. Once again in a dilemma … Do a relation exist between us? If yes than is it affection that what bind us???

How long do you want to continue it? I often try to enquire. It is a big mystery I try to unravel— only to find out that we have no answers.

Our unlimited talk goes on and on. I don’t know whether the expectations are increasing or decreasing. I have no idea what exactly I am searching for; neither do I have a well-defined vision of what we can call the association to be.

But someone is becoming more close to my heart.

We share our feelings, we talk, we express and speak out our heart and so goes on our days….. But do we actually like to be with each other? Do we really enjoy talking? If not, what it is?

We plan for long walks, may be an evening in the corner of a coffee house or probably a long drive enjoying the silence of the long curly roads leading to unknown lands. And of course we long for those sensational seconds in each others arms forgetting the whole world around.

Often we desire let not the time go away….let’s cherish. Every time a strong desire creeps in to the mind…. I know it cannot be love…. If not love then why?

He says, “You owe me a cup of coffee. Shall I come to your place?”. I don’t know, what we aspire. I ask myself, do I really owe a cup of coffee? Or are we trying to hide our desire in the smokey swirls of the “hot coffee” Or is it something more than a heart’s desire??

Lemme try…….and be true to my self… if not to the mind but to the heart.. Let me say I don’t know what desires are, neither I know what lies beyond desire. But when you are near (may be for a coffee or whatever), I feel peace is near with all love in the air.
Now I know where happiness lies and what I owe to you—a cappuccino or a cold coffee blended with…..