Facebook.... late night searches and nostalgia of 17 years

Life has taken so many turns -- ups and downs and amazing moments. Suddenly the name took back to another era which I have left behind 17 years back.

A hazy picture... resolute, firm and with same attitude... seen long years back. I messaged I poked and looked again and again to see that is this the same one???

 And thus the journey began. Life would not have been so beautiful as it is today.   The day came we chatted, we talked and ....we were together in an eternal bonding.

I don’t know where and how the closeness started. The longingness grew... and so the desperateness..Calls after calls.....the desire to be together increased and so the feelings.

Life can never give such beautiful moments than the thoughts of being with someone who understands and cares. 48 hours passed...and so our desperateness. I waited and waited. Each moment was like a year for me. The eagerness grew and desire overpowered my emotions. 

So many questions knocked at the mind’s door... How did it happen? What do all these long calls signify and the unending waiting??? Where is it taking me? Perhaps another chapter,... another expectation and something of a never before experience... unknown, untouched but true.

It’s hard to believe. I desperately waited... for an unknown union... perhaps for another eternal tryst.

In trying to understand a relation….

It is very easy to propagate or advocate. But are all things that are advocated real? I know you have a reason for everything—a reason to love, a reason to share your moments, a reason to give excuses and a reason to hate. But what’s beyond that?

It is very nice when you say, “I am tied up…” but there is always a way when there is a will. It is very easy to make an excuse and say live a life for others. But not everyone can be great. You quoted, Do you know ‘Grahambell, the scientist who invented the phone never called his family.’

Graham had good reasons in doing so. How will he call…. His wife and daughter were deaf. But not everyone can be as wise as Grahambell’s wife, and what if the person is someone more than the family?

It’s always true no one can be so dear to you until and unless you love. For any relation to exist, love is the binding factor—no matter lust also accompanies. It is unintelligible to me, what bind us? Is it love …. Is it lust…. or a “nihilism”.

Life is very short to fulfill all your obligations. But, what makes a life, if you cannot sacrifice a few seconds for someone who really needs you. I never said be with me forever… neither did I say come to my life and bless me with your caring. Never did I ask fill my life with laughter. It happened. Everything was predestined and all was as you desired.

I don’t know what relation exists? You make me miss you, you make me smile; you make me cry and above all you make me expect your presence. I lack understanding…. Do you feel the same the way I do?

It is easy to say…. but is it not so easy to care and love someone really. I don’t know. It pains when you are hurt.

I wonder, do I belong to someone. Does a relation really exist?

I try to understand…. and so I go on searching a meaning….

Have I mistaken in understanding you????

You always accuse me that whenever you say something I deduce a negative conclusion. Is it really so that I am becoming so pessimistic day by day?
Every time you speak I can sense the artificiality. If not showing care is another side of what you call love then I have never experienced such things—for me meaning of love is care, tolerance, inspiration which cannot be bought with money.
Often I sit and think am I mistaken? Do I know you? I don’t know whether there can be any reason behind loving someone or not…..
People say how can you know what are his plans? Why does he love you—It can be mere pretension. May be an unrevealed greed, a desire or may be a guilt factor.
Something is terribly wrong—you don’t like my dress sense, my nature and everything I do. Then… How can you think of living a life with a person whom you don’t like at all?
What is unrevealed is not to my reach, but I feel sad… whenever I desired loved……
I doubt I must have mistaken in understanding you too…

Do I mean anything to you?

It is long since I heard your voice…. No calls, no text and nothing. The ratio does not match. How can you compare the sixty messages a day to a single six letter word?
Multiple questions creep in to my mind. And so goes on my impatience and depression ….
I ask, “Am I related anyways to him?” What is the difference between “own” and “me”? I know someone would comment that this is an insensible question but behavior matters.
Adopting hypocrisy can be a onetime game. It will help neither of us. I wonder how can you cheat yourself? I know responsibilities count, but what about your responsibilities to someone whom you say ‘so close to your heart’?
Another dilemma and I go on thinking…. a never ending query. Every time I come to a conclusion I began to feel I have no place….neither in his heart nor in his mind. What becomes so important is the “loneliness” that needs to be fought. You need someone to hear your bewildered thoughts…you want someone to accompany you when you are upset… you need someone to feel that you are not alone. So, everything is a question of searching for a substitute before your thoughts rules you.
How will you cope with the “extreme vacuum” your past attachments have created? I feel you are scared to be alone. May be or may not… that is again very uncertain.
Life evolves but thoughts never change. You go on clinging… resting on shoulders—one after another. Have you ever thought why you never count me among “own”? Why you never remember me when in a crowd? A lot more queries and a never replied answer….. Another new story and some more excuses…artificial outrage of being caught for the intentions and lot more…
So goes our relation…. we fight…we lament… we accuse… we insult…. we curse and go on hurting each others sentiments. We promise never to talk and never to meet but we know how to excuse each other. With everything there hang “ifs” and “buts” of which we have no clue.
What makes me restless is–Do I really mean anything to him?
The questions looms.

A 48-hours deadline

Ever imagine how would life be without your dear ones near! I know it is never so easy. But love can make you succeed in whatever endeavor you take. It is for the sake of it you live and it is for the sake of it you learn to live. Even dying becomes a pleasure when you are on the lap of your dear ones.

It was never so easy to succeed in a 48-hours deadline when every minute seems like long unending years. The moment my phone tinkle my eyes glitter—may be expecting a remembrance note from someone who is close to your heart.

I know even if the whole world might have forgotten you there is someone still to remember you. The feeling itself enthuse you—and makes you great that you mean so much to someone.

You may not call, reply the SMS es or meet very often—as all the material things of communicating hardly matters. The best thing is that you are never away even if you are very far away—for people who are in the mind is never away and to show that you are remembered always does not need to be proved—it is all about following and obeying what your loved one wants.

A 48-hours gap has a lot more to say..little more to know each other... or may be little more closer..It has given us something that made us realize that life has brought us lot more and something even much dearer which we always ignored. I am afraid do we pretend to be true to the self—if not how can we deny that we mean a lot to each other.

I don't find an answer to what you really want to examine? Quite confusing but it is always true, I could not have met the deadline if love would not have been the reason.

I am lost in the wilds

It was a foggy morning. The wild pine-tops veiled with silvery lines appeared as if heaven has fallen upon them.

And there was lot more...a warm embrace....and a pair of curious eyes following you every moment. With all the comfort of the world I felt as if the world is revolving in a lightening pace towards an unknown destination. I wonder is there another paradise? In utter ecstasy tears rolled out and I was lost forever in the wilds.

From then onwards we started a long unplanned voyage crossing over hills and dales, terrains, lakes and rivers, and swift moving brooks.... Now what next? Are we running after a mirage or trying to find out the reality lost in the hands of destiny?

I have no answer. However, expectations overrule practicality and we go on despite knowing there is no visibility in the relation. Every moment we spend together we start expecting more.

Why not another day? Hope looms and we subconsciously desire let's not end it here. We go on...trapped in another dilemma. Where are we heading to, we are unaware but every moment we can feel life without each other is just like a boat lost in the high tides of the Pacific.
I wonder, do we need to wait for the time to define our state? None of us have an answer to any of the whys. So many things again haunts me – what is in between us and beyond us?

Every time I ask myself do I need to carry forward this relation? The answers are yet to be found. I question myself are we heading towards the same destination? What if the directions change in the midway?

Life goes on with some unknown fear of being lost in a wild odyssey. Still unsure does there a destination exist or the whole voyage is lost in the wilds?

Is red the colour of love ?

Sometimes little things in life make us smile… It need not necessarily be a big-budgeted party or a big achievement.

Life moves on in its own way. We don’t know about our destination. We go on exploring and widening horizons. We get thrilled thinking about the long walks, late- night calls… blank pauses and apologetic notes like “No dear the button got pressed again unknowingly. Yours was the last call I made”.

Often little one-liners come— “I just felt like disturbing you”. Don’t know we continue with the same pretensions. Do we dare to accept that “we miss each other” when away? It is ambiguous…another question with no answers.

What else. Another new way of showing affection—a red rose or a bouquet of mixed colours…. or something new.

There is a small “token” for you…. something that can rejuvenate you. I wonder what this “red” symbolize…..a blood red purse and a red hot perfume. Is it an embodiment of love or is it another side of “sacrifice”?

It makes me think but confusion prevails. Another sleepless night, another area to contemplate and some more mysteries to unravel…. But what does red means. I ponder, “Is red the colour of love?”

I miss your SMS es…….

“Dear, when a greeting is sent from a distance u cant hear de wishes, u cant see de smile, but you can sense de care that truly comes from the heart…that is how it began….. I know the moment my mobile tinkles it is another SMS that is trying to find its way.

What else? May be a sorry note, a care, a confession or an inspirational quote…whatever may be the “verses” the feeling associated with it leaves me in a world of divine bliss.
He writes, “Most of the things we desire are EXPENSIVE. But the truth is - The things that really satisfy us are FREE: Love, Joy, Laughter and GOOD RELATION”.

I know where my satisfaction lies. I aspire and I desire… you know what? A big “?” mark again. But you make me smile—even if it is a pretension but I try.

Have you ever seen two banks of a river ever meeting at a fixed point or the railway lines meeting—though both the railway lines and the banks of river travel together to unknown destinations for ever and ever. They never meet but they go on and on together to a destination they can never reach.

I know where I am heading to have no destination and rationality. But I miss you, I eagerly wait for your call and may be your SMS es that brings those long distance good wishes (I don’t know whether it is spiced up with love or not). I enjoy in silence every meaning inherent in the SMS es you send, I feel the mesmerizing spell of emotions poured through it. I doubt, is it a habit or emotions that come along with the forwarded messages!

It is true we are in a material world….May be I lack the understanding. How can emotions make you do things where the loss ratio is very high? Sometimes I feel may be you need a “refuge”, may be a substitute…..Donno… still puzzled. But I miss your SMS es. I love to hear you speak out (even if it doesn’t comes out from your heart)—a sorry note
“Sory 4 spoilng ur mud. 4 me it ws nice evning spent”.

Or a pleasant quote like

“A Relation Is Like a Bird,
If U Catch Tightly It Dies,
If U Catch It Loosely It Flies,
But If U Catch Affectionately, It Remains With you forever.”


I trust what you send; I miss the silent talks we have in SMSes….I can feel the belongingness, the passion involved in every word that the short message carry…. even if I am aware what I receive is only what that is forwarded. I am still in a dilemma why does it happen so? Is it love that has made me overlook the reality?

Whatever…… I miss your SMS es.

Is this love????

Often wonder what is love? I can understand it is no good in trying to define.. Still sometimes I feel this is more a 'misunderstanding between two fools than something special'.
At times I feel love doesnot exist at all. And there are some other moments when I feel those long waitings.....those loving and caring SMSes and all the more.... the reminiscences that make you smile....
Is this love?????