In trying to understand a relation….

It is very easy to propagate or advocate. But are all things that are advocated real? I know you have a reason for everything—a reason to love, a reason to share your moments, a reason to give excuses and a reason to hate. But what’s beyond that?

It is very nice when you say, “I am tied up…” but there is always a way when there is a will. It is very easy to make an excuse and say live a life for others. But not everyone can be great. You quoted, Do you know ‘Grahambell, the scientist who invented the phone never called his family.’

Graham had good reasons in doing so. How will he call…. His wife and daughter were deaf. But not everyone can be as wise as Grahambell’s wife, and what if the person is someone more than the family?

It’s always true no one can be so dear to you until and unless you love. For any relation to exist, love is the binding factor—no matter lust also accompanies. It is unintelligible to me, what bind us? Is it love …. Is it lust…. or a “nihilism”.

Life is very short to fulfill all your obligations. But, what makes a life, if you cannot sacrifice a few seconds for someone who really needs you. I never said be with me forever… neither did I say come to my life and bless me with your caring. Never did I ask fill my life with laughter. It happened. Everything was predestined and all was as you desired.

I don’t know what relation exists? You make me miss you, you make me smile; you make me cry and above all you make me expect your presence. I lack understanding…. Do you feel the same the way I do?

It is easy to say…. but is it not so easy to care and love someone really. I don’t know. It pains when you are hurt.

I wonder, do I belong to someone. Does a relation really exist?

I try to understand…. and so I go on searching a meaning….

Celebrating… with loneliness…

Everywhere you see there is nothing but ….vacuum… Long back the thought of “belongingness” have withered. You should know you are born to be alone, celebrate alone and die alone. Perhaps that is the ultimate truth of life, “You belong to everyone but you belong to no one.”

So, hail and celebrate… loneliness will never leave your company and you have your faithful mobile and the Internet to follow. What if they don’t have life or they cannot feel... They understand how needy you are. May be that is why the phone lets every known or unknown calls to reach you, blinks when you miss and informs about all those flirty messages that speaks a lot but never means. So does your computer; you can scold it, express your feelings and write whatever you like. It will never leave you unless you leave.

As always, by now you should understand you are not to expect because you are no way their own, ’cos if not of heart, you need to be of blood. Life has different priorities and so, is the scarcity of time. You are destined to be neglected, because life has lot to do other than continuing a relation of no reasons. Before landing up in the “illusion of love”, think again—do you mean anything to the one you love? Do you deserve to be loved and so on.

An impossible dream! How can you expect to celebrate with someone for whom you mean nothing? How can you say it is love that binds us, whereas there is nothing but lust alone…

Yeah, it is loneliness that will never deceive you. Even if you beg, it will not leave you. Learn to rejoice your loneliness. Live every moment, share and give it your best! You can be sure it will never leave your company—be it your birthday or your death.

Accept the reality—and be grateful that even if God has not given you anything he has given you one precious thing—loneliness.

Am I to be pardoned

You don’t have craze for a particular thing … that is how you justify.
But you go on repeating the same activity… that is what he questioned.
Can we call it an accident? You are not supposed to call it an accident because accidents happen only when you face it suddenly. When the atmosphere is made relevant for an accident to occur, then it is no more an accident. It is a deliberate action—which your subconscious or conscious mind always has a desire to seek. May be that is why you repeat the same mistakes again and again.
Whether repeated mistakes are to be pardoned that is again a big question. I doubt, whether I would have tolerated or not for the wrong doings the other person! It would have been very difficult for me to tolerate if the situation had to be vice versa.
I have no reply. I could not justify myself… I go on asking, why I am so unsatisfied? What am I searching for? Why do I bring trouble to myself despite knowing that I should avoid them? A lot many things creep in to my mind. I know I don’t deserve to be pardoned. How can I be so selfish that I go on hurting the person I love so much.
It is utterly selfishness and now I feel sorry… I could not recognize the true love; I went on hurting again and again—may be because I knew I will be forgiven. I doubt myself, if he is the world for me then why have we gone away.
Which is more important—the social rules or our staying away?
When the realization came it is too late. I have no words to express my repentance. I know I am spending my days like a living dead. But still I hesitate to take a step ahead or say let’s reconcile. And start a new life.
I wonder do I deserve to be forgiven. Things are no more the same. How liberal one can be. Was not his sacrifice more than what a normal person can do? How can I repay his sacrifice…Am I to be pardoned?

Have I mistaken in understanding you????

You always accuse me that whenever you say something I deduce a negative conclusion. Is it really so that I am becoming so pessimistic day by day?
Every time you speak I can sense the artificiality. If not showing care is another side of what you call love then I have never experienced such things—for me meaning of love is care, tolerance, inspiration which cannot be bought with money.
Often I sit and think am I mistaken? Do I know you? I don’t know whether there can be any reason behind loving someone or not…..
People say how can you know what are his plans? Why does he love you—It can be mere pretension. May be an unrevealed greed, a desire or may be a guilt factor.
Something is terribly wrong—you don’t like my dress sense, my nature and everything I do. Then… How can you think of living a life with a person whom you don’t like at all?
What is unrevealed is not to my reach, but I feel sad… whenever I desired loved……
I doubt I must have mistaken in understanding you too…

Do I really deserve Indifference

It is slowly becoming a habit……
Good morning. Have a nice day ahead.
That is how my day begins. I wait and wait till I hear the beep in my phone. I did not realize that habit is trying to rule me. One day when habit started to become expectations…..I opened my eyes only to discover, life is far away from reality and I am running after a mirage—that can never be real.
I don’t think any of us remember when our friendship began. We closed our eyes and before knowing that we have started to move away far beyond the parameters of friendship, we landed up somewhere—a never never land.
Days went on. We could not find an answer to our questions. Was he clear about what he is up to?
Too practical!!!
Do you love me?
Not everything needs to be spoken out….
So goes the conversation.

Sitting silently I reminisce. I miss the long calls, the caring messages, the discussions and debates we have. I ask myself, “What was my fault?”
Not interested so .....
I paused for a moment…..the world revolved with more pace--there was nothing to be said or complained, for he was not ready to hear.
How can you be so rude?
I go on inquiring...

Why man repeats the same mistakes

Paulo Coelho quoted, “Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.”
After long waiting, the day has finally arrived. Some accuses, some aspirations and may be a secret desire also accompanied the arrival. We went on closer and closer, though the relation undefined, and ended up in an alien domain from where the route back home was not to be seen.
I am unable to find out why man repeats the same mistakes again and again! Was it a very well designed, well-planned activity? I doubt….for practical people have a reason for doing everything. Often struggle with myself, was it my desire too?
No one knows whenever I ask “why”. He throws back the same question on me and says if I ask you the same question? If I ask you to define our relation and many more questions, he thinks that I too will never have an answer.
He came and went only to leave footprints on my heart…… to make me realize that I am no more the same as I was before his arrival. He made me feel that I have made the same mistake again.
How could I trust someone? What I always think to be love may not necessarily mean to be love but a strong lust…. a never fulfilled desire or may be a challenge. Or it may be just a give and take for what I owe or may be an attempt to shatter my pride.
I feel I am no where-- the defeat left me shattered! I end up in the most awkward predicament. I don’t have a reply to what my people inquires, “Why people repeat the same mistakes again and again?”

I wish there is a “delete” button in the Brain

Life is full of understandings and misunderstandings. It is not easy to extract the truth in it unless you have the capability to judge yourself and understand what makes your life so miserable.

You need to develop the quality to forget and forgive. But forgetting is not that easy. There is no delete button in your brain like that in the computer. You cannot just empty the thrash folder and delete all the unwanted files from the memory with a single click. You cannot be self-deceptive even, and become indifferent to everything that comes to your way.

However life is by itself a question….. memory looms… you reminisce and add few more reasons to cry to the long list of causes that already exist in your whole being. You don’t know what troubles you…. What makes you laugh…… or what makes you cry.

Expectations grow to infinity…a contradictory opinion between pragmatist and idealist leaves you in utter confusion and you move on.

Is it wrong to dream? If not, then why do you care when an enigmatic dream is broken? So goes the whole search for truth. You cannot forget, you cannot forgive and you cannot accept also.
The agony of losing someone excruciates you and leaves you with another thought again.

The untold story inside you torments and you are left with no courage to begin…Then? Why did you start such a story? What made you run after illusions? If you are prohibited to dream, you should not. If you are not meant to love you should not. And, of course, it is insensible to confess to someone who is self-deceptive himself/herself.
I know, Maya Angelou quoted once, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Still I would say there is no harm in bearing a secret than speaking out to someone who is self-deceptive and selfish, someone who calls himself realistic but dares to face reality…

It is true, even if you know everything you cannot, ‘cos , what matters you is love. You cannot run away from the past, from your memories and your feelings. Because forgetting is the best way to remember, you tend to remember, especially those moments and things that you most need to forget.

May be that is what makes me think, “I wish I had a delete button in my brain!”