You don’t have craze for a particular thing … that is how you justify.
But you go on repeating the same activity… that is what he questioned.
Can we call it an accident? You are not supposed to call it an accident because accidents happen only when you face it suddenly. When the atmosphere is made relevant for an accident to occur, then it is no more an accident. It is a deliberate action—which your subconscious or conscious mind always has a desire to seek. May be that is why you repeat the same mistakes again and again.
Whether repeated mistakes are to be pardoned that is again a big question. I doubt, whether I would have tolerated or not for the wrong doings the other person! It would have been very difficult for me to tolerate if the situation had to be vice versa.
I have no reply. I could not justify myself… I go on asking, why I am so unsatisfied? What am I searching for? Why do I bring trouble to myself despite knowing that I should avoid them? A lot many things creep in to my mind. I know I don’t deserve to be pardoned. How can I be so selfish that I go on hurting the person I love so much.
It is utterly selfishness and now I feel sorry… I could not recognize the true love; I went on hurting again and again—may be because I knew I will be forgiven. I doubt myself, if he is the world for me then why have we gone away.
Which is more important—the social rules or our staying away?
When the realization came it is too late. I have no words to express my repentance. I know I am spending my days like a living dead. But still I hesitate to take a step ahead or say let’s reconcile. And start a new life.
I wonder do I deserve to be forgiven. Things are no more the same. How liberal one can be. Was not his sacrifice more than what a normal person can do? How can I repay his sacrifice…Am I to be pardoned?
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Have I mistaken in understanding you????
You always accuse me that whenever you say something I deduce a negative conclusion. Is it really so that I am becoming so pessimistic day by day?
Every time you speak I can sense the artificiality. If not showing care is another side of what you call love then I have never experienced such things—for me meaning of love is care, tolerance, inspiration which cannot be bought with money.
Often I sit and think am I mistaken? Do I know you? I don’t know whether there can be any reason behind loving someone or not…..
People say how can you know what are his plans? Why does he love you—It can be mere pretension. May be an unrevealed greed, a desire or may be a guilt factor.
Something is terribly wrong—you don’t like my dress sense, my nature and everything I do. Then… How can you think of living a life with a person whom you don’t like at all?
What is unrevealed is not to my reach, but I feel sad… whenever I desired loved……
I doubt I must have mistaken in understanding you too…
Every time you speak I can sense the artificiality. If not showing care is another side of what you call love then I have never experienced such things—for me meaning of love is care, tolerance, inspiration which cannot be bought with money.
Often I sit and think am I mistaken? Do I know you? I don’t know whether there can be any reason behind loving someone or not…..
People say how can you know what are his plans? Why does he love you—It can be mere pretension. May be an unrevealed greed, a desire or may be a guilt factor.
Something is terribly wrong—you don’t like my dress sense, my nature and everything I do. Then… How can you think of living a life with a person whom you don’t like at all?
What is unrevealed is not to my reach, but I feel sad… whenever I desired loved……
I doubt I must have mistaken in understanding you too…
Friday, November 28, 2008
Do I really deserve Indifference
It is slowly becoming a habit……
Good morning. Have a nice day ahead.
That is how my day begins. I wait and wait till I hear the beep in my phone. I did not realize that habit is trying to rule me. One day when habit started to become expectations…..I opened my eyes only to discover, life is far away from reality and I am running after a mirage—that can never be real.
I don’t think any of us remember when our friendship began. We closed our eyes and before knowing that we have started to move away far beyond the parameters of friendship, we landed up somewhere—a never never land.
Days went on. We could not find an answer to our questions. Was he clear about what he is up to?
Too practical!!!
Do you love me?
Not everything needs to be spoken out….
So goes the conversation.
Sitting silently I reminisce. I miss the long calls, the caring messages, the discussions and debates we have. I ask myself, “What was my fault?”
Not interested so .....
I paused for a moment…..the world revolved with more pace--there was nothing to be said or complained, for he was not ready to hear.
How can you be so rude?
I go on inquiring...
Good morning. Have a nice day ahead.
That is how my day begins. I wait and wait till I hear the beep in my phone. I did not realize that habit is trying to rule me. One day when habit started to become expectations…..I opened my eyes only to discover, life is far away from reality and I am running after a mirage—that can never be real.
I don’t think any of us remember when our friendship began. We closed our eyes and before knowing that we have started to move away far beyond the parameters of friendship, we landed up somewhere—a never never land.
Days went on. We could not find an answer to our questions. Was he clear about what he is up to?
Too practical!!!
Do you love me?
Not everything needs to be spoken out….
So goes the conversation.
Sitting silently I reminisce. I miss the long calls, the caring messages, the discussions and debates we have. I ask myself, “What was my fault?”
Not interested so .....
I paused for a moment…..the world revolved with more pace--there was nothing to be said or complained, for he was not ready to hear.
How can you be so rude?
I go on inquiring...
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Why man repeats the same mistakes
Paulo Coelho quoted, “Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.”
After long waiting, the day has finally arrived. Some accuses, some aspirations and may be a secret desire also accompanied the arrival. We went on closer and closer, though the relation undefined, and ended up in an alien domain from where the route back home was not to be seen.
I am unable to find out why man repeats the same mistakes again and again! Was it a very well designed, well-planned activity? I doubt….for practical people have a reason for doing everything. Often struggle with myself, was it my desire too?
No one knows whenever I ask “why”. He throws back the same question on me and says if I ask you the same question? If I ask you to define our relation and many more questions, he thinks that I too will never have an answer.
He came and went only to leave footprints on my heart…… to make me realize that I am no more the same as I was before his arrival. He made me feel that I have made the same mistake again.
How could I trust someone? What I always think to be love may not necessarily mean to be love but a strong lust…. a never fulfilled desire or may be a challenge. Or it may be just a give and take for what I owe or may be an attempt to shatter my pride.
I feel I am no where-- the defeat left me shattered! I end up in the most awkward predicament. I don’t have a reply to what my people inquires, “Why people repeat the same mistakes again and again?”
After long waiting, the day has finally arrived. Some accuses, some aspirations and may be a secret desire also accompanied the arrival. We went on closer and closer, though the relation undefined, and ended up in an alien domain from where the route back home was not to be seen.
I am unable to find out why man repeats the same mistakes again and again! Was it a very well designed, well-planned activity? I doubt….for practical people have a reason for doing everything. Often struggle with myself, was it my desire too?
No one knows whenever I ask “why”. He throws back the same question on me and says if I ask you the same question? If I ask you to define our relation and many more questions, he thinks that I too will never have an answer.
He came and went only to leave footprints on my heart…… to make me realize that I am no more the same as I was before his arrival. He made me feel that I have made the same mistake again.
How could I trust someone? What I always think to be love may not necessarily mean to be love but a strong lust…. a never fulfilled desire or may be a challenge. Or it may be just a give and take for what I owe or may be an attempt to shatter my pride.
I feel I am no where-- the defeat left me shattered! I end up in the most awkward predicament. I don’t have a reply to what my people inquires, “Why people repeat the same mistakes again and again?”
Friday, November 7, 2008
I wish there is a “delete” button in the Brain
Life is full of understandings and misunderstandings. It is not easy to extract the truth in it unless you have the capability to judge yourself and understand what makes your life so miserable.
You need to develop the quality to forget and forgive. But forgetting is not that easy. There is no delete button in your brain like that in the computer. You cannot just empty the thrash folder and delete all the unwanted files from the memory with a single click. You cannot be self-deceptive even, and become indifferent to everything that comes to your way.
However life is by itself a question….. memory looms… you reminisce and add few more reasons to cry to the long list of causes that already exist in your whole being. You don’t know what troubles you…. What makes you laugh…… or what makes you cry.
Expectations grow to infinity…a contradictory opinion between pragmatist and idealist leaves you in utter confusion and you move on.
Is it wrong to dream? If not, then why do you care when an enigmatic dream is broken? So goes the whole search for truth. You cannot forget, you cannot forgive and you cannot accept also.
The agony of losing someone excruciates you and leaves you with another thought again.
The untold story inside you torments and you are left with no courage to begin…Then? Why did you start such a story? What made you run after illusions? If you are prohibited to dream, you should not. If you are not meant to love you should not. And, of course, it is insensible to confess to someone who is self-deceptive himself/herself.
I know, Maya Angelou quoted once, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Still I would say there is no harm in bearing a secret than speaking out to someone who is self-deceptive and selfish, someone who calls himself realistic but dares to face reality…
It is true, even if you know everything you cannot, ‘cos , what matters you is love. You cannot run away from the past, from your memories and your feelings. Because forgetting is the best way to remember, you tend to remember, especially those moments and things that you most need to forget.
May be that is what makes me think, “I wish I had a delete button in my brain!”
You need to develop the quality to forget and forgive. But forgetting is not that easy. There is no delete button in your brain like that in the computer. You cannot just empty the thrash folder and delete all the unwanted files from the memory with a single click. You cannot be self-deceptive even, and become indifferent to everything that comes to your way.
However life is by itself a question….. memory looms… you reminisce and add few more reasons to cry to the long list of causes that already exist in your whole being. You don’t know what troubles you…. What makes you laugh…… or what makes you cry.
Expectations grow to infinity…a contradictory opinion between pragmatist and idealist leaves you in utter confusion and you move on.
Is it wrong to dream? If not, then why do you care when an enigmatic dream is broken? So goes the whole search for truth. You cannot forget, you cannot forgive and you cannot accept also.
The agony of losing someone excruciates you and leaves you with another thought again.
The untold story inside you torments and you are left with no courage to begin…Then? Why did you start such a story? What made you run after illusions? If you are prohibited to dream, you should not. If you are not meant to love you should not. And, of course, it is insensible to confess to someone who is self-deceptive himself/herself.
I know, Maya Angelou quoted once, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Still I would say there is no harm in bearing a secret than speaking out to someone who is self-deceptive and selfish, someone who calls himself realistic but dares to face reality…
It is true, even if you know everything you cannot, ‘cos , what matters you is love. You cannot run away from the past, from your memories and your feelings. Because forgetting is the best way to remember, you tend to remember, especially those moments and things that you most need to forget.
May be that is what makes me think, “I wish I had a delete button in my brain!”
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Do I mean anything to you?
It is long since I heard your voice…. No calls, no text and nothing. The ratio does not match. How can you compare the sixty messages a day to a single six letter word?
Multiple questions creep in to my mind. And so goes on my impatience and depression ….
I ask, “Am I related anyways to him?” What is the difference between “own” and “me”? I know someone would comment that this is an insensible question but behavior matters.
Adopting hypocrisy can be a onetime game. It will help neither of us. I wonder how can you cheat yourself? I know responsibilities count, but what about your responsibilities to someone whom you say ‘so close to your heart’?
Another dilemma and I go on thinking…. a never ending query. Every time I come to a conclusion I began to feel I have no place….neither in his heart nor in his mind. What becomes so important is the “loneliness” that needs to be fought. You need someone to hear your bewildered thoughts…you want someone to accompany you when you are upset… you need someone to feel that you are not alone. So, everything is a question of searching for a substitute before your thoughts rules you.
How will you cope with the “extreme vacuum” your past attachments have created? I feel you are scared to be alone. May be or may not… that is again very uncertain.
Life evolves but thoughts never change. You go on clinging… resting on shoulders—one after another. Have you ever thought why you never count me among “own”? Why you never remember me when in a crowd? A lot more queries and a never replied answer….. Another new story and some more excuses…artificial outrage of being caught for the intentions and lot more…
So goes our relation…. we fight…we lament… we accuse… we insult…. we curse and go on hurting each others sentiments. We promise never to talk and never to meet but we know how to excuse each other. With everything there hang “ifs” and “buts” of which we have no clue.
What makes me restless is–Do I really mean anything to him?
The questions looms.
Multiple questions creep in to my mind. And so goes on my impatience and depression ….
I ask, “Am I related anyways to him?” What is the difference between “own” and “me”? I know someone would comment that this is an insensible question but behavior matters.
Adopting hypocrisy can be a onetime game. It will help neither of us. I wonder how can you cheat yourself? I know responsibilities count, but what about your responsibilities to someone whom you say ‘so close to your heart’?
Another dilemma and I go on thinking…. a never ending query. Every time I come to a conclusion I began to feel I have no place….neither in his heart nor in his mind. What becomes so important is the “loneliness” that needs to be fought. You need someone to hear your bewildered thoughts…you want someone to accompany you when you are upset… you need someone to feel that you are not alone. So, everything is a question of searching for a substitute before your thoughts rules you.
How will you cope with the “extreme vacuum” your past attachments have created? I feel you are scared to be alone. May be or may not… that is again very uncertain.
Life evolves but thoughts never change. You go on clinging… resting on shoulders—one after another. Have you ever thought why you never count me among “own”? Why you never remember me when in a crowd? A lot more queries and a never replied answer….. Another new story and some more excuses…artificial outrage of being caught for the intentions and lot more…
So goes our relation…. we fight…we lament… we accuse… we insult…. we curse and go on hurting each others sentiments. We promise never to talk and never to meet but we know how to excuse each other. With everything there hang “ifs” and “buts” of which we have no clue.
What makes me restless is–Do I really mean anything to him?
The questions looms.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
I have no answer....
You matter me a lot. Everything I do now is not a question of me alone, but something related to both of us….that is how your commitment changes the way you think. Things are no longer as before.
You have started to think about your life from different dimensions. Every time you start planning something you eagerly wait for your partner’s opinion. That is how the change starts. A kind of unknown change ….
“I don’t want to interfere in any of your decisions and neither do I want you to interfere in my independence” , he repeats often. I doubt do these interpersonal discussions mean restricting one’s freedom?
I have no answer… But the loopholes make me think. Does our relationship have a base? Aren’t we committed to walk together? A lot more things creep in to the mind.
Many a times I get puzzled and ask myself –are we trying to compromise? Where is our understanding lacking? Are we trying to keep alive our relationship on certain unknown conditions? Even for this I have no answer.
So the relation goes.... without knowing do we really mean so much to each other. I analyze to find out, does loving someone means sacrificing your freedom? I don’t have an answer for this even, but I go on searching and searching the ifs and buts that make me feel so.
You have started to think about your life from different dimensions. Every time you start planning something you eagerly wait for your partner’s opinion. That is how the change starts. A kind of unknown change ….
“I don’t want to interfere in any of your decisions and neither do I want you to interfere in my independence” , he repeats often. I doubt do these interpersonal discussions mean restricting one’s freedom?
I have no answer… But the loopholes make me think. Does our relationship have a base? Aren’t we committed to walk together? A lot more things creep in to the mind.
Many a times I get puzzled and ask myself –are we trying to compromise? Where is our understanding lacking? Are we trying to keep alive our relationship on certain unknown conditions? Even for this I have no answer.
So the relation goes.... without knowing do we really mean so much to each other. I analyze to find out, does loving someone means sacrificing your freedom? I don’t have an answer for this even, but I go on searching and searching the ifs and buts that make me feel so.
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