Do I mean anything to you?

It is long since I heard your voice…. No calls, no text and nothing. The ratio does not match. How can you compare the sixty messages a day to a single six letter word?
Multiple questions creep in to my mind. And so goes on my impatience and depression ….
I ask, “Am I related anyways to him?” What is the difference between “own” and “me”? I know someone would comment that this is an insensible question but behavior matters.
Adopting hypocrisy can be a onetime game. It will help neither of us. I wonder how can you cheat yourself? I know responsibilities count, but what about your responsibilities to someone whom you say ‘so close to your heart’?
Another dilemma and I go on thinking…. a never ending query. Every time I come to a conclusion I began to feel I have no place….neither in his heart nor in his mind. What becomes so important is the “loneliness” that needs to be fought. You need someone to hear your bewildered thoughts…you want someone to accompany you when you are upset… you need someone to feel that you are not alone. So, everything is a question of searching for a substitute before your thoughts rules you.
How will you cope with the “extreme vacuum” your past attachments have created? I feel you are scared to be alone. May be or may not… that is again very uncertain.
Life evolves but thoughts never change. You go on clinging… resting on shoulders—one after another. Have you ever thought why you never count me among “own”? Why you never remember me when in a crowd? A lot more queries and a never replied answer….. Another new story and some more excuses…artificial outrage of being caught for the intentions and lot more…
So goes our relation…. we fight…we lament… we accuse… we insult…. we curse and go on hurting each others sentiments. We promise never to talk and never to meet but we know how to excuse each other. With everything there hang “ifs” and “buts” of which we have no clue.
What makes me restless is–Do I really mean anything to him?
The questions looms.

I have no answer....

You matter me a lot. Everything I do now is not a question of me alone, but something related to both of us….that is how your commitment changes the way you think. Things are no longer as before.
You have started to think about your life from different dimensions. Every time you start planning something you eagerly wait for your partner’s opinion. That is how the change starts. A kind of unknown change ….
“I don’t want to interfere in any of your decisions and neither do I want you to interfere in my independence” , he repeats often. I doubt do these interpersonal discussions mean restricting one’s freedom?
I have no answer… But the loopholes make me think. Does our relationship have a base? Aren’t we committed to walk together? A lot more things creep in to the mind.
Many a times I get puzzled and ask myself –are we trying to compromise? Where is our understanding lacking? Are we trying to keep alive our relationship on certain unknown conditions? Even for this I have no answer.

So the relation goes.... without knowing do we really mean so much to each other. I analyze to find out, does loving someone means sacrificing your freedom? I don’t have an answer for this even, but I go on searching and searching the ifs and buts that make me feel so.

Another chapter

Throughout your life you get so many appreciations and so many comments. Some appreciations and some criticisms…. But do you ever expect you to be called a maniac???
Perhaps that is something you would never expect anyone to call you—that too if they call you a love maniac. Somehow I realize things happen when they are never expected. You never know what others think about you. You cannot realize what can bet the implications and neither you can assume, what perceptions people have regarding you….but hope makes you optimistic.
You are referred as a maniac—a complete love maniac who lingers from one destination to another. I wonder is this what I am searching for. Am I not satisfied with what I have? I don’t know…...and neither do I try to justify myself.
Life goes on with newer chapters added to it. But whatever anyone may refer to…. I know what makes me survive, I know what makes me live and what I realize.
I wonder who is not a maniac. Is the one who has not yet been loved is maniac or is the person who is loved by everyone is a maniac, or someone who is the victim of illusion every time can be called a maniac? I fail to know the truth or solve the riddle.
Let me clarify—you don’t need many reasons to live. You may not necessarily decline all love you get just because you fear people might misjudge you, but one thing for sure self-realization can make you live. Whatever way people may address you or whatever be the reason of your lingering, you know what you are. Your knowledge about you and your inner wisdom will make you strong and help you find a reason to live.
It does not matter what people think about you. What matters you is that you should always have a reason in doing whatever you do. When you stop finding meaning in the activities you do, that is the moment you become a maniac. It is not how many chapters are added to your life will make you to reach a level of self-realization, instead every reason and meaning that you find in the relationships will make you live a life.
How does it matter whether someone calls you a maniac or not? You are sure to find something beyond that in every new page that is added to your life.

A 48-hours deadline

Ever imagine how would life be without your dear ones near! I know it is never so easy. But love can make you succeed in whatever endeavor you take. It is for the sake of it you live and it is for the sake of it you learn to live. Even dying becomes a pleasure when you are on the lap of your dear ones.

It was never so easy to succeed in a 48-hours deadline when every minute seems like long unending years. The moment my phone tinkle my eyes glitter—may be expecting a remembrance note from someone who is close to your heart.

I know even if the whole world might have forgotten you there is someone still to remember you. The feeling itself enthuse you—and makes you great that you mean so much to someone.

You may not call, reply the SMS es or meet very often—as all the material things of communicating hardly matters. The best thing is that you are never away even if you are very far away—for people who are in the mind is never away and to show that you are remembered always does not need to be proved—it is all about following and obeying what your loved one wants.

A 48-hours gap has a lot more to say..little more to know each other... or may be little more closer..It has given us something that made us realize that life has brought us lot more and something even much dearer which we always ignored. I am afraid do we pretend to be true to the self—if not how can we deny that we mean a lot to each other.

I don't find an answer to what you really want to examine? Quite confusing but it is always true, I could not have met the deadline if love would not have been the reason.

I am lost in the wilds

It was a foggy morning. The wild pine-tops veiled with silvery lines appeared as if heaven has fallen upon them.

And there was lot more...a warm embrace....and a pair of curious eyes following you every moment. With all the comfort of the world I felt as if the world is revolving in a lightening pace towards an unknown destination. I wonder is there another paradise? In utter ecstasy tears rolled out and I was lost forever in the wilds.

From then onwards we started a long unplanned voyage crossing over hills and dales, terrains, lakes and rivers, and swift moving brooks.... Now what next? Are we running after a mirage or trying to find out the reality lost in the hands of destiny?

I have no answer. However, expectations overrule practicality and we go on despite knowing there is no visibility in the relation. Every moment we spend together we start expecting more.

Why not another day? Hope looms and we subconsciously desire let's not end it here. We go on...trapped in another dilemma. Where are we heading to, we are unaware but every moment we can feel life without each other is just like a boat lost in the high tides of the Pacific.
I wonder, do we need to wait for the time to define our state? None of us have an answer to any of the whys. So many things again haunts me – what is in between us and beyond us?

Every time I ask myself do I need to carry forward this relation? The answers are yet to be found. I question myself are we heading towards the same destination? What if the directions change in the midway?

Life goes on with some unknown fear of being lost in a wild odyssey. Still unsure does there a destination exist or the whole voyage is lost in the wilds?