Have I mistaken in understanding you????

You always accuse me that whenever you say something I deduce a negative conclusion. Is it really so that I am becoming so pessimistic day by day?
Every time you speak I can sense the artificiality. If not showing care is another side of what you call love then I have never experienced such things—for me meaning of love is care, tolerance, inspiration which cannot be bought with money.
Often I sit and think am I mistaken? Do I know you? I don’t know whether there can be any reason behind loving someone or not…..
People say how can you know what are his plans? Why does he love you—It can be mere pretension. May be an unrevealed greed, a desire or may be a guilt factor.
Something is terribly wrong—you don’t like my dress sense, my nature and everything I do. Then… How can you think of living a life with a person whom you don’t like at all?
What is unrevealed is not to my reach, but I feel sad… whenever I desired loved……
I doubt I must have mistaken in understanding you too…

Do I really deserve Indifference

It is slowly becoming a habit……
Good morning. Have a nice day ahead.
That is how my day begins. I wait and wait till I hear the beep in my phone. I did not realize that habit is trying to rule me. One day when habit started to become expectations…..I opened my eyes only to discover, life is far away from reality and I am running after a mirage—that can never be real.
I don’t think any of us remember when our friendship began. We closed our eyes and before knowing that we have started to move away far beyond the parameters of friendship, we landed up somewhere—a never never land.
Days went on. We could not find an answer to our questions. Was he clear about what he is up to?
Too practical!!!
Do you love me?
Not everything needs to be spoken out….
So goes the conversation.

Sitting silently I reminisce. I miss the long calls, the caring messages, the discussions and debates we have. I ask myself, “What was my fault?”
Not interested so .....
I paused for a moment…..the world revolved with more pace--there was nothing to be said or complained, for he was not ready to hear.
How can you be so rude?
I go on inquiring...

Why man repeats the same mistakes

Paulo Coelho quoted, “Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.”
After long waiting, the day has finally arrived. Some accuses, some aspirations and may be a secret desire also accompanied the arrival. We went on closer and closer, though the relation undefined, and ended up in an alien domain from where the route back home was not to be seen.
I am unable to find out why man repeats the same mistakes again and again! Was it a very well designed, well-planned activity? I doubt….for practical people have a reason for doing everything. Often struggle with myself, was it my desire too?
No one knows whenever I ask “why”. He throws back the same question on me and says if I ask you the same question? If I ask you to define our relation and many more questions, he thinks that I too will never have an answer.
He came and went only to leave footprints on my heart…… to make me realize that I am no more the same as I was before his arrival. He made me feel that I have made the same mistake again.
How could I trust someone? What I always think to be love may not necessarily mean to be love but a strong lust…. a never fulfilled desire or may be a challenge. Or it may be just a give and take for what I owe or may be an attempt to shatter my pride.
I feel I am no where-- the defeat left me shattered! I end up in the most awkward predicament. I don’t have a reply to what my people inquires, “Why people repeat the same mistakes again and again?”

I wish there is a “delete” button in the Brain

Life is full of understandings and misunderstandings. It is not easy to extract the truth in it unless you have the capability to judge yourself and understand what makes your life so miserable.

You need to develop the quality to forget and forgive. But forgetting is not that easy. There is no delete button in your brain like that in the computer. You cannot just empty the thrash folder and delete all the unwanted files from the memory with a single click. You cannot be self-deceptive even, and become indifferent to everything that comes to your way.

However life is by itself a question….. memory looms… you reminisce and add few more reasons to cry to the long list of causes that already exist in your whole being. You don’t know what troubles you…. What makes you laugh…… or what makes you cry.

Expectations grow to infinity…a contradictory opinion between pragmatist and idealist leaves you in utter confusion and you move on.

Is it wrong to dream? If not, then why do you care when an enigmatic dream is broken? So goes the whole search for truth. You cannot forget, you cannot forgive and you cannot accept also.
The agony of losing someone excruciates you and leaves you with another thought again.

The untold story inside you torments and you are left with no courage to begin…Then? Why did you start such a story? What made you run after illusions? If you are prohibited to dream, you should not. If you are not meant to love you should not. And, of course, it is insensible to confess to someone who is self-deceptive himself/herself.
I know, Maya Angelou quoted once, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Still I would say there is no harm in bearing a secret than speaking out to someone who is self-deceptive and selfish, someone who calls himself realistic but dares to face reality…

It is true, even if you know everything you cannot, ‘cos , what matters you is love. You cannot run away from the past, from your memories and your feelings. Because forgetting is the best way to remember, you tend to remember, especially those moments and things that you most need to forget.

May be that is what makes me think, “I wish I had a delete button in my brain!”

Do I mean anything to you?

It is long since I heard your voice…. No calls, no text and nothing. The ratio does not match. How can you compare the sixty messages a day to a single six letter word?
Multiple questions creep in to my mind. And so goes on my impatience and depression ….
I ask, “Am I related anyways to him?” What is the difference between “own” and “me”? I know someone would comment that this is an insensible question but behavior matters.
Adopting hypocrisy can be a onetime game. It will help neither of us. I wonder how can you cheat yourself? I know responsibilities count, but what about your responsibilities to someone whom you say ‘so close to your heart’?
Another dilemma and I go on thinking…. a never ending query. Every time I come to a conclusion I began to feel I have no place….neither in his heart nor in his mind. What becomes so important is the “loneliness” that needs to be fought. You need someone to hear your bewildered thoughts…you want someone to accompany you when you are upset… you need someone to feel that you are not alone. So, everything is a question of searching for a substitute before your thoughts rules you.
How will you cope with the “extreme vacuum” your past attachments have created? I feel you are scared to be alone. May be or may not… that is again very uncertain.
Life evolves but thoughts never change. You go on clinging… resting on shoulders—one after another. Have you ever thought why you never count me among “own”? Why you never remember me when in a crowd? A lot more queries and a never replied answer….. Another new story and some more excuses…artificial outrage of being caught for the intentions and lot more…
So goes our relation…. we fight…we lament… we accuse… we insult…. we curse and go on hurting each others sentiments. We promise never to talk and never to meet but we know how to excuse each other. With everything there hang “ifs” and “buts” of which we have no clue.
What makes me restless is–Do I really mean anything to him?
The questions looms.

I have no answer....

You matter me a lot. Everything I do now is not a question of me alone, but something related to both of us….that is how your commitment changes the way you think. Things are no longer as before.
You have started to think about your life from different dimensions. Every time you start planning something you eagerly wait for your partner’s opinion. That is how the change starts. A kind of unknown change ….
“I don’t want to interfere in any of your decisions and neither do I want you to interfere in my independence” , he repeats often. I doubt do these interpersonal discussions mean restricting one’s freedom?
I have no answer… But the loopholes make me think. Does our relationship have a base? Aren’t we committed to walk together? A lot more things creep in to the mind.
Many a times I get puzzled and ask myself –are we trying to compromise? Where is our understanding lacking? Are we trying to keep alive our relationship on certain unknown conditions? Even for this I have no answer.

So the relation goes.... without knowing do we really mean so much to each other. I analyze to find out, does loving someone means sacrificing your freedom? I don’t have an answer for this even, but I go on searching and searching the ifs and buts that make me feel so.

Another chapter

Throughout your life you get so many appreciations and so many comments. Some appreciations and some criticisms…. But do you ever expect you to be called a maniac???
Perhaps that is something you would never expect anyone to call you—that too if they call you a love maniac. Somehow I realize things happen when they are never expected. You never know what others think about you. You cannot realize what can bet the implications and neither you can assume, what perceptions people have regarding you….but hope makes you optimistic.
You are referred as a maniac—a complete love maniac who lingers from one destination to another. I wonder is this what I am searching for. Am I not satisfied with what I have? I don’t know…...and neither do I try to justify myself.
Life goes on with newer chapters added to it. But whatever anyone may refer to…. I know what makes me survive, I know what makes me live and what I realize.
I wonder who is not a maniac. Is the one who has not yet been loved is maniac or is the person who is loved by everyone is a maniac, or someone who is the victim of illusion every time can be called a maniac? I fail to know the truth or solve the riddle.
Let me clarify—you don’t need many reasons to live. You may not necessarily decline all love you get just because you fear people might misjudge you, but one thing for sure self-realization can make you live. Whatever way people may address you or whatever be the reason of your lingering, you know what you are. Your knowledge about you and your inner wisdom will make you strong and help you find a reason to live.
It does not matter what people think about you. What matters you is that you should always have a reason in doing whatever you do. When you stop finding meaning in the activities you do, that is the moment you become a maniac. It is not how many chapters are added to your life will make you to reach a level of self-realization, instead every reason and meaning that you find in the relationships will make you live a life.
How does it matter whether someone calls you a maniac or not? You are sure to find something beyond that in every new page that is added to your life.

A 48-hours deadline

Ever imagine how would life be without your dear ones near! I know it is never so easy. But love can make you succeed in whatever endeavor you take. It is for the sake of it you live and it is for the sake of it you learn to live. Even dying becomes a pleasure when you are on the lap of your dear ones.

It was never so easy to succeed in a 48-hours deadline when every minute seems like long unending years. The moment my phone tinkle my eyes glitter—may be expecting a remembrance note from someone who is close to your heart.

I know even if the whole world might have forgotten you there is someone still to remember you. The feeling itself enthuse you—and makes you great that you mean so much to someone.

You may not call, reply the SMS es or meet very often—as all the material things of communicating hardly matters. The best thing is that you are never away even if you are very far away—for people who are in the mind is never away and to show that you are remembered always does not need to be proved—it is all about following and obeying what your loved one wants.

A 48-hours gap has a lot more to say..little more to know each other... or may be little more closer..It has given us something that made us realize that life has brought us lot more and something even much dearer which we always ignored. I am afraid do we pretend to be true to the self—if not how can we deny that we mean a lot to each other.

I don't find an answer to what you really want to examine? Quite confusing but it is always true, I could not have met the deadline if love would not have been the reason.

I am lost in the wilds

It was a foggy morning. The wild pine-tops veiled with silvery lines appeared as if heaven has fallen upon them.

And there was lot more...a warm embrace....and a pair of curious eyes following you every moment. With all the comfort of the world I felt as if the world is revolving in a lightening pace towards an unknown destination. I wonder is there another paradise? In utter ecstasy tears rolled out and I was lost forever in the wilds.

From then onwards we started a long unplanned voyage crossing over hills and dales, terrains, lakes and rivers, and swift moving brooks.... Now what next? Are we running after a mirage or trying to find out the reality lost in the hands of destiny?

I have no answer. However, expectations overrule practicality and we go on despite knowing there is no visibility in the relation. Every moment we spend together we start expecting more.

Why not another day? Hope looms and we subconsciously desire let's not end it here. We go on...trapped in another dilemma. Where are we heading to, we are unaware but every moment we can feel life without each other is just like a boat lost in the high tides of the Pacific.
I wonder, do we need to wait for the time to define our state? None of us have an answer to any of the whys. So many things again haunts me – what is in between us and beyond us?

Every time I ask myself do I need to carry forward this relation? The answers are yet to be found. I question myself are we heading towards the same destination? What if the directions change in the midway?

Life goes on with some unknown fear of being lost in a wild odyssey. Still unsure does there a destination exist or the whole voyage is lost in the wilds?

Late night calls… fragmented discussions and… our desires

Thoreau said, “Most of the luxuries and many of the so-called comforts of life are not only not indispensable, but positive hindrances to the elevation of mankind.”
Sometimes I feel the Gen X is moving towards those luxuries which are positive hindrances towards the development of mankind. We are more inclined towards materialistic things—we love power, money and glamour.

Are we running after mirages? We have never-before technology, the young now earns enough money and are exposed to a variety of wonderful activities which were unknown to the earlier generations. But are they actually enjoying what they are having? Are they happy with what they have?

May be in our journey in search of peace we have moved much away from reality. We live in an illusory world not knowing our identity at all. While trying to unravel the mystery we end up by chasing impossible dreams that lacks the slightest tinge of reality.

We repeat the same mistakes again and again only to feel sorry for what we have done. And often mistakes become a habit only realize that habits have started to rule us. We go on with simple pranks not recognizing the potential problems and emotional setbacks we are going to face because of our habits.

We are unaware of the impacts. We still go on doing certain things. We love freaking out…late night parties and enjoy the long phone calls that break through the darkness of the wild nights. Slowly we get accustomed to those habits. But does this late night gossips have any significance in our lives?

We know not but we go on and on…..And a day comes when emotion intrudes and before we could recognize we are in a new dilemma. None of us know whether love starts that way or those are only loose talks to make us get rid of “loneliness” of which we are so scared of. I fear none of us know what this long late night calls actually signify. But we long for each other, we continue and we never ask each other why we like doing so.

Do we suffer from a misunderstanding that it is emotions that bind us? We hardly try to understand. We carry on several sleepless nights….just to find sleep has left the scene….and we have traveled miles towards an unidentified destination….that the gap has declined and our loose talks are no more confined.

The gossips exceeded with new things behind. Everything comes crafted with desire, embellished and enhanced…. Is it desire then or just a habit? But the talks goes on and another sleepless night.

I wonder do we try to hide something under the veil of friendship.

Is red the colour of love ?

Sometimes little things in life make us smile… It need not necessarily be a big-budgeted party or a big achievement.

Life moves on in its own way. We don’t know about our destination. We go on exploring and widening horizons. We get thrilled thinking about the long walks, late- night calls… blank pauses and apologetic notes like “No dear the button got pressed again unknowingly. Yours was the last call I made”.

Often little one-liners come— “I just felt like disturbing you”. Don’t know we continue with the same pretensions. Do we dare to accept that “we miss each other” when away? It is ambiguous…another question with no answers.

What else. Another new way of showing affection—a red rose or a bouquet of mixed colours…. or something new.

There is a small “token” for you…. something that can rejuvenate you. I wonder what this “red” symbolize…..a blood red purse and a red hot perfume. Is it an embodiment of love or is it another side of “sacrifice”?

It makes me think but confusion prevails. Another sleepless night, another area to contemplate and some more mysteries to unravel…. But what does red means. I ponder, “Is red the colour of love?”

You owe me a cup of coffee……shall I come to your place

"A Relation Is Like a Bird,
If you Catch Tightly It Dies,
If you Catch It Loosely It Flies,
But If You Catch Affectionately, It Remains With you forever. …”

This is what he refers as the “mantra” of any relationship. Once again in a dilemma … Do a relation exist between us? If yes than is it affection that what bind us???

How long do you want to continue it? I often try to enquire. It is a big mystery I try to unravel— only to find out that we have no answers.

Our unlimited talk goes on and on. I don’t know whether the expectations are increasing or decreasing. I have no idea what exactly I am searching for; neither do I have a well-defined vision of what we can call the association to be.

But someone is becoming more close to my heart.

We share our feelings, we talk, we express and speak out our heart and so goes on our days….. But do we actually like to be with each other? Do we really enjoy talking? If not, what it is?

We plan for long walks, may be an evening in the corner of a coffee house or probably a long drive enjoying the silence of the long curly roads leading to unknown lands. And of course we long for those sensational seconds in each others arms forgetting the whole world around.

Often we desire let not the time go away….let’s cherish. Every time a strong desire creeps in to the mind…. I know it cannot be love…. If not love then why?

He says, “You owe me a cup of coffee. Shall I come to your place?”. I don’t know, what we aspire. I ask myself, do I really owe a cup of coffee? Or are we trying to hide our desire in the smokey swirls of the “hot coffee” Or is it something more than a heart’s desire??

Lemme try…….and be true to my self… if not to the mind but to the heart.. Let me say I don’t know what desires are, neither I know what lies beyond desire. But when you are near (may be for a coffee or whatever), I feel peace is near with all love in the air.
Now I know where happiness lies and what I owe to you—a cappuccino or a cold coffee blended with…..

I miss your SMS es…….

“Dear, when a greeting is sent from a distance u cant hear de wishes, u cant see de smile, but you can sense de care that truly comes from the heart…that is how it began….. I know the moment my mobile tinkles it is another SMS that is trying to find its way.

What else? May be a sorry note, a care, a confession or an inspirational quote…whatever may be the “verses” the feeling associated with it leaves me in a world of divine bliss.
He writes, “Most of the things we desire are EXPENSIVE. But the truth is - The things that really satisfy us are FREE: Love, Joy, Laughter and GOOD RELATION”.

I know where my satisfaction lies. I aspire and I desire… you know what? A big “?” mark again. But you make me smile—even if it is a pretension but I try.

Have you ever seen two banks of a river ever meeting at a fixed point or the railway lines meeting—though both the railway lines and the banks of river travel together to unknown destinations for ever and ever. They never meet but they go on and on together to a destination they can never reach.

I know where I am heading to have no destination and rationality. But I miss you, I eagerly wait for your call and may be your SMS es that brings those long distance good wishes (I don’t know whether it is spiced up with love or not). I enjoy in silence every meaning inherent in the SMS es you send, I feel the mesmerizing spell of emotions poured through it. I doubt, is it a habit or emotions that come along with the forwarded messages!

It is true we are in a material world….May be I lack the understanding. How can emotions make you do things where the loss ratio is very high? Sometimes I feel may be you need a “refuge”, may be a substitute…..Donno… still puzzled. But I miss your SMS es. I love to hear you speak out (even if it doesn’t comes out from your heart)—a sorry note
“Sory 4 spoilng ur mud. 4 me it ws nice evning spent”.

Or a pleasant quote like

“A Relation Is Like a Bird,
If U Catch Tightly It Dies,
If U Catch It Loosely It Flies,
But If U Catch Affectionately, It Remains With you forever.”


I trust what you send; I miss the silent talks we have in SMSes….I can feel the belongingness, the passion involved in every word that the short message carry…. even if I am aware what I receive is only what that is forwarded. I am still in a dilemma why does it happen so? Is it love that has made me overlook the reality?

Whatever…… I miss your SMS es.

An untold story ….the confessions….

It is said, expectations never end—a never ending journey. It goes on. May be this time it can be something more than what actually you would like to possess.

Everything is crystal clear but still you desire only to realise that you have reached no where near to the realm of happiness. You know the person you desire have no soft corner, because if love is not in the heart than love cannot be in the airs.

Life is just crazy—you don’t know where next— whatever comes to you brings along lot of sufferings and joy. I feel very restless. A whole lot of things haunt my mind. Is it so difficult to forgive someone? Why is it becoming difficult for me to digest what he confessed?

I wonder, whether I am doing the right thing! We all live in a self created exile hiding our faces under a veil, slowly closing the eyes just like the cat that closes his eyes while stealing milk, pretending as if no one in the world has seen him.
Sometimes I am in a dilemma, are we actually living or pretending to live?? What made him confess was neither love for me nor respect. May be he wanted to lighten the heart by speaking out to someone….or may be anyone.

Is it guilt or something else that made him confess, I am unsure. But what he said made me look at relationships from a completely different dimension. Where lies the essence of relationship, which he had with that “girl”? Was it love, lust or a mere habit of fulfilling the “needs”? Again and again I think, first time it was a mistake but can we call it a “mistake” if done intentionally again and again?
Which phase of love is it? If it is love than how can be society and obligations overrule it and if it is a mere question of “satisfying the lust” why with someone whom you give the name of “love”!
Was it infatuation then? You liked to spend time, you shared feelings, you loved …..and enjoyed that ecstatic moments of being in delectation. Now you completely refute there was anything called love, but that was only a no-obligation, mutually compromising agreement. So, is love an agreement then? Once your needs are fulfilled you impose all the blame upon the other person, majestically denying the fact that anyone can see what reality is?

Still unsure, can a relationship exist only on “terms and conditions” with no love to hold them together. Does it actually deserve to be called a relationship at all? The debate goes on….. A never ending quest…..

A foot massage… a glass of fresh lime in the BUZZ ….and an evening’s confession

Still unsure.. shall I call it a date or something else? Was there an agenda for meeting or mere selfish pleasure of being in the company?

I never realized, loving someone can be so amazing, especially when you know you are no one to the person you love.
I know my first statement itself is contradictory. But things are not as it seem to be….

No plans. Shall we go for a cup of coffee? May be to “Barista” or in the nearest “Costa”…. Everything is so uncertain. No guesses, no decision and no destination. An aimless journey and untiring waiting…..

And once you are on the tryst, something even more marvelous waits for you. So what could be your first date like, that too with someone who has never loved you or neither have a desire to love. I can understand you must be puzzled again—
How could I call it a date?
Yeah of course—it was a wonderful experience— a splendid foot massage—some serene moments in the dimmed corner of “BUZZ” and two exploring eyes in search of “ultimate truth”.
I wonder, does “utopia” really exist! Let’s not assume or neither manipulate. What appears may not be reality —but if anything you can call a “heaven on earth” was last night’s “date”. It was as pleasant as living in a dream—soft touches under the spell of mesmerizing musical notes…. What more? A 30 minutes foot massage—away from the humdrum is all you are destined to.
For a second I felt let’s hold this moment….The slow circular movements of her tiny hands, and the cool surroundings—dimly lit antique-looking room— as if you are in an utopian world. What mattered more was the “time” which I never wanted to lose. With every passing second I could feel time is too short and the next moment I look back I will no longer find him beside me. May be it was a strong desire or a longing-ness to be close to someone you love (again let me remind someone who does not love you). Was it just a moment’s pleasure or a strong wish to be one with my feelings I don’t know. Wonder is this love that was in the airs?

You know it was a date….. (Let me specify, a date with some one who does not love you). What next? Let’s go to “BUZZ”. I was hesitant but somewhere deep down inside my heart my conscience said “I have dedicated the evening in your name”. Spellbound I moved on— I felt there odd man out…. Sipping fresh lime I sat beside—don’t know what would have been my best behaviour at that moment. May be my company itself meant a lot or may be I could have joined for the beer for a last cheer. It was a matter of being with someone dear—no matter it was a bar or in the war.

Time moved in its winged chariot—but I remained where I was— only to realize that someone is becoming indispensable for me (I told early it is my first date with someone who does not love me)… So, which is the next destination?

It was already 10 PM, we had to rush back. Thoughts creeped in, the car moved on swiftly exploring the realms of darkness….. a long way to go….. and you don’t know where you are heading towards!

(I moved on with a promise not to look back again….. only to realize I am no more where I was…. The vacuum existed… and I carried along the obligation of an evening’s confession……)

Is this love????

Often wonder what is love? I can understand it is no good in trying to define.. Still sometimes I feel this is more a 'misunderstanding between two fools than something special'.
At times I feel love doesnot exist at all. And there are some other moments when I feel those long waitings.....those loving and caring SMSes and all the more.... the reminiscences that make you smile....
Is this love?????